What the Cluck is going on?

I have a golden chicken, who has the same name as all her identical golden sisters – “Goldie”, because honestly I can’t tell them apart and so the name just fits them all and I’m not sure they would; a) ever respond to it or b) they probably don’t give a poop what their name is!

Anyway, Goldie has taken it upon herself to be the broody one of the flock. She has sat in the same nesting box for around 3 weeks now, just sitting and waiting for something to happen. If anything does occur it will be a miracle for sure! Maybe the Golden Egg!! But other than stealing her sister’s eggs that they diligently lay for me every morning, she makes no contribution of her own. Now, the eggs that she does steal, she incubates at the optimal temperature, carefully mothering them and squawking madly at me every day as I open the nesting box lid. She is being a very good and protective mother hen! BUT!!!! One thing that Goldie has all wrong in this scenario is, even a golden miracle will not happen for her, as the eggs will never become more than just poached with a nice side of bacon, or scrambled with some hot sauce!  The reason they will never be anymore than just breakfast is that Goldie’s stolen eggs are not fertilized, because WE DON’T HAVE A ROOSTER!! I guess she didn’t get the memo when Mel Gibson was sent to live on a new farm and terrorize some other poor unsuspecting chicken lover.

So, why am I blogging about this on my Finding Me At Fifty page? Because I totally get her! Goldie, I have realized, has some major hormone issues going on and she is on a never-ending wheel of trying to do what she thinks she should, but it just isn’t happening for her! Goldie and I are one!  We are both thinking, “What the cluck is going on with my body?”

I was (and still am) excited about turning Fifty… I have been waiting until there was something meaningful to blog about rather than just my routine day or some new ventures I have taken up (actually there is one… but I’m not ready to share that just yet !). So Goldie is probably fluffing her feathers in excitement as I thank her for the inspiration and spotlight she cast on the issue of hormones and the female body!

A couple of weeks ago, I went for my annual Well-Woman check up as I do every year. To my friends, if you don’t, please make it a habit – prevention is better than the cure! And to young female friends, if you still have your Kegel muscles tightly tucked up and your boobs where they should be hanging, then be prepared, the day will come that you will understand this blog!

Anyway, I have been going faithfully every year since I was in my 20’s and honestly, it’s not any worse than a bad afternoon of sex – just lay back, stare at the ceiling and it’s all over in a couple of minutes! Even with my mammogram I haven’t found that to be a big issue, but I do lend my sympathy to my tender breasted friends. I am a big supporter for breast cancer awareness and prevention, and if my insurance pays for an annual squeeze, then I am game. The breast-care center I go to gives you a warm robe on arrival and you sit in a cozy waiting area with herbal teas and citrus infused water as you wait. So I kind of pretend that I am going to the spa – except I am getting a deep-tissue booby squish instead of the hot-stone massage.

But lets gets back to that Well-Woman visit I had – the mammogram spa is not for another few weeks…

Arriving, I sat in the waiting room and glanced around at my fellow female companions waiting to be called. I must admit I still feel a little twinge of jealousy at the younger women who are proudly rubbing their protruding baby bellies and the pretty blonde with her handsome male companion – no sign of a bump yet, but maybe just newly pregnant and starting their journey out as parents. Then there is the young female, around my girls age, hopefully taking good care of herself and making sure she is not gonna be a baby momma anytime soon. Then the ladies in their more mature ages, hopefully just routine annuals like me? I love to people watch and try to figure out everyone’s story – just to pass time. I wonder if those young females look at me and wonder what the ancient 50-year old lady is here for – what business do I have at the OB/Gyn when obviously my baby making days are past? Well, that shop is closed and all I can do is maintain the vacant space – so girls, that’s what I’m here for!

My doctor entered the room and all of a sudden my appointment went from be my annual visit, to a “Welcome to 50” party.! The questionnaire I had filled in was studied and then the question and answer session began. I had a few questions I needed some answers to and she had a few suggestions in mind for me. This is when we got real and it was probably the most cringe worthy part – more than the actual Pap Smear.

Get my mammo spa day scheduled [appointment – check] and also it’s time for a Bone Density test. Yep, now my age alerts me that I am a potential suspect for Osteoporosis. So far my bones seem pretty sturdy, except for a broken toe here and there – but I put that down to drunk day on a cruise and walking into a sun lounger! Ok – let’s get the bones screened [appointment – check].

Then she throws this one in – time to schedule the Colonoscopy! Oh shit! Yes – literally!Well the thought of this made me raise my eyebrows and clench up just a tad… Hmmm. Ok another orifice to be poked. Can’t be so bad as long as I am totally out of it, except I hear the preparation is the worst part, and then the gas after…. Ok, I’ll add that to my list of must do’s in the near future, but I am a procrastinating just a bit on that one…

Next on the agenda, let’s talk peeing. Yep… full disclosure, this has become somewhat of an interesting challenge recently! My girls literally roll their eyes at me when we get to the mall, and I survey Macy’s for the nearest restroom –  “Really, you just went!” Yes, I have probably frequented most public restrooms in all local Target stores, HEB grocery stores and the Mall, but at least I know the clean ones and the ones to avoid (if my bladder permits).  So show me some hands ladies – who can relate?

When we gotta go, we gotta go. And I WILL NOT want to buy into the “now they are pretty” adult underwear saga. Oh no…. not even if they make them into a cute thong, which would probably defeat the purpose anyway!

So, if for some reason like maybe pushing two bowling ball size babies out that end, you find that things have become a little loose and the bladder is on it’s own agenda, apparently there is now an interesting solution. It’s a chair that you just sit on, fully clothed and “non-invasive”!  Uh-huh! And you do nothing but read a book for 30 minutes. Supposedly, just half an hour of sitting on this chair is the equivalent of doing 1000 Kegel exercises – whew – I’m sweating at the thought! Just six sessions and there is supposed to be some life changing results. Well damn – sign me up – It’s just another spa day for my Pelvic Floor.

OK – so far we have cover the Boobs, Bones, Lady Bits, Bum, Bladder and now onto the Blood work!  Let’s check the hormones, thyroid and general blood work and see what is going on with all that.

This is the bit I am hoping will bring me some answers – the magic “Ahhhhh…. that’s what happening” answers! I have been struggling with my weight for years now… like a freaking yoyo – up and down and it seems the more I try, the harder it is. You know me, I am not inactive – I teach yoga and Pilates 5 days a week and I walk 3.5 miles at least 3 to 4 times a week, more sometimes. So, let’s see if the thyroid is acting up or those damn female hormones preparing my body for the looming menopause – like it’s storing up fat for hibernation season.

Well, It turns out that I have extremely low testosterone! What!!! I didn’t realize that it had such an impact on women, more a guy thing!  Ok, DUH moment (yes I hear you all say it), but what does that mean? Well, apparently being too low effects woman in many ways, and here is an interesting list of side effects….

I shall not comment on which particular ones I have (TMI), but it’s a pretty informative list!!

  • Dry skin
  • Thinning skin, or skin has lost its fullness
  • Fatigue
  • Poor tolerance for exercise
  • Loss of muscle tone in arms and legs
  • Poor memory or concentration
  • Loss of libido (no comment!!)
  • Depression or anxiety
  • Loss of motivation or competitive edge
  • Gaining fat around abdomen or “love handles” (that hibernation time)
  • Difficulty building or maintaining muscle
  • Loss of bone density or osteoporosis (uh oh – the broken toe!!)

OK, so now we are on to something and that’s a lot of stuff that can be affected!

BUT there it is – the hibernation fat! I knew it had to be there somewhere… is that the answer I seek oh wise one?  And another Aha moment – the memory loss/ lack of concentration (yes, you can ask my girls about that because I already forgot what I was saying!)

So I have opted for the pellet hormone treatment – tiny pellets inserted under the skin at the hip – and I am hoping that in a few weeks, I am seeing some magical results and my hormones get themselves back to a healthy functioning place…. But hopefully I won’t be growing a beard or chest hair!

So, as I wait anxiously to see some changes, I am very thankful for a healthy outcome of my Yearly check-up.  I survived another year!  Let’s all hope that poor Goldie, the hormonal chicken, soon realizes that her miracle is not going to happen, gets out that damn nest and starts to cluck around again with sisters!